Wierd...
By Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora
Tuesday 24 March 2009 (2033h)
Wierd how I can feel
Hurt yet unhurt at the same time...
How I can
Cry but be surpisingly calm
While the tears flow down my face
And the slow thump of my heart speeds out of control
And deep slow breaths
Pass thorugh my lips sharp and fast...
Wierd how I
Feel so attached but strangely unattached...
How I
Want to let go but
Not let go of
Whatever it was we had,
We shared,
We cherished and despised...
Wierd that I feel like crying but
Feel like not cryin...
How I
Find myself refusing to accept this end but
Find myself easily accepting the end while
Tear by tear,
Drop by drop,
Slowly the salty water caresses my burning cheeks
And falling lightly off my face
Slowing down through time as they
Travel to the ground and
Disapear on the floor
With the rest of the tears I've cried over the years while
A small glint of a smile lingers on the
Ends of my lips and a glint of mystery and
Adventure sparkles in the depth of my
Shining teary eyes...
Its wierd
That I can feel like I've been
Ripped in half
But still feel fixed at the same tym
And I seem to
Hold tight but move on all at once...
Wierd how I laugh and smile in front of you
When inside I know I'm crying,
Inside im dying...
Wierd how
I loved you as my friend
Liked you as a lover
And fear you as new part of my past...
Wierd how I
Wanna keep talking to you but
Not want to for fear of the
Akwardness that surely will follow...
Wierd that
I cant feel myself breathing,
That i want to stop
But don't ever want to stop
Wierd how my
Senses are taking over
But gradualy fading away
Making me feel like
A great burden has been thrust upon me
But lifted at the same time...
Wierd how I feel
So good
But so bad,
So Happy
Yet so sad,
So hurt
But so free...
All this
All at once...
This wierd feeling,
These wierd thoughts,
This pile up of multiple insyts,
This ease,
This unease,
This justice to unjustice,
This fear of fear,
This backfire of care,
This decite to decite,
The strange and alien world I'm in
That feels so familliar and so like home,
How used to it I am
That I'm no longer used to it...
How I
Expect things to go how I dont expect things to go...
Wierd,
So wierd,
How wierd things are when things aren't wierd
But how wierd they are when they are...
Wierd how
I like you but
I cant stand you yet
I wanna be with you
Cuz when I'm not with you I
Feel so empty
Yet when I'm with you I
Still feel lyk something is missing
Yet everything's there
And everything's in place...
So wierd, so...
I'm gonna say goodbye to goodbye
And say hello to the
Wierd new world that I've
Just enterd for the very first time
That i've lived in for so so long...
Wierd how
The wierd thing is
Without this wierd
Things would be so wierd...
So ima be wierd
While waiting for you to be wierd with me and
To see that this is just so wierd
And so unperfect but
All too perfect all at once...
I never expected you to be perfect and
I never expected us to be perfect cuz
I'm anything but perfect so
I'ma say FUCK YOU to perfect
And welcome unperfect into my heart...!
Now...
Isn't that wierd...?
xoxoxoxox
Copyright (c) Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora, 2009
24 March 2009
I'm sorry;
If I ever made you feel bad,
My Emotions get the best of me... I'm only human
I'm sorry;
If I never do anything right,
I can't be the perfect you want me to be
I'm sorry;
If I ever made you feel Unneeded,
I'm afraid you'll think I'm being Clingy
I'm sorry;
If I ever overreacted,
I'ma girl, I don't mean to, but there's not much i can do to help it
I'm sorry;
If I've ever insulted you,
I can't help bein me, I can't help being mean
I'm sorry;
If I've ever called you heartless,
I'm Heartless for even thinking it
I'm sorry;
If I hurt you,
Baby i swear that poem wasnt mine
I'm sorry;
If I called you a jerk,
I was being a Jerk... But everyone's a jerk sometime's right?
I'm sorry;
If I Never Listen,
I can't help that I'm stubborn
I'm sorry;
If I've ever done you wrong,
I'm still only just a stupid kid
I'm sorry;
If I've ever made you look bad,
I don't mean to, but sometimes it just comes out
I'm sorry;
If I'm clingy,
That's why I don't trip when u choose your boys over me
I'm sorry;
If I'm assuming things AGAIN,
I don't mean to, I just want to understand
I'm sorry;
For thinking you don't care,
I'm only fearing the worst, cuz I'm afraid of being let down by my own expectations
I'm sorry;
For talking bout shit I know nothing about,
I was only joking, I forgot how dumb I am & wrote it down in haste
I'm sorry;
For bein such an ass,
Sometimes thats just how i am
I'm sorry;
For being so ignorant,
I'm only pretending. Rly, I'm watching you, hoping you'll come back
I'm sorry;
If I care too much,
I can't help it, it's my instinct to care
I'm sorry;
If I ever said anything bad about something you love,
I've only ever wanted to show you that i care
I'm sorry;
If I care about your future,
Even though I know I have no place in it, that's just too far away
I'm sorry;
If I want you to realise that you're so much better than you show,
You have so much potencial to be so great, But it's not my place to judge.
I'm sorry;
If you think I'm wrong,
I'm not pushing my views, I'm just saying how I feel
I'm sorry;
If I sound like I'm trying to make you listen,
I'm not, I swear, I'm just speaking my mind for once
I'm sorry;
But I never tried to change you,
I like you for you and I accept you carefree lifestyle, evn thou mine is completely inversed
I'm sorry;
If you cant accept the way i live, the way i am,
I'm not here to win your affection
I'm sorry;
If i'v ever changed myself for you,
You have to llike me for me, not for the way i look
I'm sorry;
That you thought I was worth it,
Guess now u know I'm not, huh
I'm sorry;
That I can't speak my mind to you,
Even when you hurt me... or do something wrong
I'm sorry;
For Everything that's ever made you think I'm not right,
I never forced you to like me, thou I really hope you do
I'm sorry;
That I'm crying,
But I can't not when i feel so bad
I'm sorry;
For writing this,
But i had alot to say
I'm sorry;
For Making so many mistakes,
Thou sometimes I don't know what they are
I'm sorry;
For saying sorry,
It seems its the only thing i ever do
I'm sorry;
For wasting so much of your time by having you read this,
But there's something you need to know
I'm sorry;
For What I'm about to say,
Cuz there's the biggest chance in the world you don't feel the same
I'm sorry;
But I have to say this now,
Even if you run away
I'm sorry;
If this freaks you out
So...
I'm sorry;
But I think I Love You...
I'm sorry;
So... Goodbye!
Copyright (c) Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora, 2009
23 March 2009
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfUKP8sZu7o
Goodbye
By Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora
Sunday 8 March 2009 (1959h)
I'm sorry if it seems
I'm clinging to same old facts
Same old story
Same old act
But I have to say
What I have to say
Get rid of this heavy load
Time to live for today
I leave you a message
I figure it's worth a try
Guess I'm always wrong
Cuz there's never a reply
I'm sorry if you feel
That I did something wrong
But I don't know what I did
For you to ignore me for so long
I'm not trying to redeem myself
As anything more than ur friend
But this distancing you're causing
Is more than I can comprehend
When we were young I promised
I'd do all to keep your smile alive
I kept that oath and let you go
Cuz I thought our friendship would atleast survive
But then my girls started beefin' witchu
And I wasn't there when it went down
I know that it hurt you cuz you did what you could
But I swear I defended you when I found out
I told them off for screamin at you
When you really didn't derserve that at all
They were just abit mad, please understand
Cuz after that, we all felt 2inches tall
Your distancing just continued
Till you weren't the same as before
We spoke but we spoke as though we were never friends at all
As though we had just met, and nothing more
As you moved further away, your boys treated me closer
As though I was now one of them
I was glad cuz I tought they were totally awsome
And kept me close to an amazing old friend
The days kept passing and I decided to move on
It was obvious you weren't gonna come around
One more friend lost, one more depressing thought
Another bond burned down to the ground
I was happy for you when you found a new partner
But something still made me feel shook
Back then you used to tell me everything and in detail
Bt now, nothing, I found out from facebook!
I thought of those days when we were still kids
When you used to prank me till I cried
Then of when the teenage years brought us back, reunited
And we talked all day long, side by side
You told me all your feeelings and thoughts and dreams
Your grief for the lady you still loved
Your happiness your sorrow and even more; your trust
I was so thankful for this friend from above
But now I hear nada, not even a hello
It saddens me when I think how it's changed
But I guess now, I'll just have to deal with tomorrow
With this new lifestyle, so rearanged
I miss you my angel, I don't wnna say goodbye
But so sadly, it seems that i must
Have a wonderful life, I hope you get by
Now I step back, and let our bonds rust
Goodbye my brother, my very bestfriend
I know that you know who you are
Just know that I'm still here, Your sister till the end
Looking up at the same moon, same stars...
With all my love and trust...
Without wax,
A Friend!
Copyright (c) Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora, 2009
8 March 2009
Pieces of the Puzzle
Thursday 12 February 2009 (1146h)
By Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora
Pieces of the puzzle
They don't seem to fit
Causing confusion
Hit after painful hit
The pieces if my puzzle
They trouble me so
I think I'll leave this for now
Try to solve it tomorrow
This puzzle, it taunts me
It's laughing in my face
It's trying to destroy me
Tryna make me lose this race
Day after day, night after night
This puzzle's got me screamin'
I leave it for the next day
Still it stops me from dreamin'
This puzzle, I hate it
It's causing too much hurt
So the puzzle, it's gone now
I threw it in the dirt
To get rid of crazy problems
Is more or less the same
Forget them and be happy
Or you'll lose out on the game
xoxoxoxox
Copyright (c) Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora, 2009
12 February 2009
