Words of a Broken Heart
By Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora
Tuesday 16 February 2010 (0706h)
Drowning in a pool of my own tears
I fear my thoughts, My dreams, Everything in me
The sharp pain in my heart feels like a knife wound
It wont heal;
It just continues to re-open when I ask it to leave
Heartache fills my empty vessel of a body
While my mind and soul wonder the skies
Searching for an escape from this new empty life
My light is gone;
It's disappeared
I feel cold but my emotions refuse to remain frozen
I try to hide the sadness within
People bombard me with questions
They try to find out what is wrong
But all I can do is shrug and walk away
My energy is drained and my senses are weak
Everything is a blur as my mind travels far from my body
All around me, I see only darkness
It's swallowing me up and I don't have the strength to fight back
Feeling weak and abandoned
I try to stand on my own two feet
For so long I have depended on my life's light to guide me
My legs tremble beneath me and I fall back to the ground
This man in front of me tries to speak chemistry
But as my hollow body watches the teachers lips move
I hear nothing but painful silence pounding at my ears
My head is throbbing and writhing in pain
From the clutter of thoughts swirling in my skull
School and life goes on around me
But my own world stands still
And reality becomes non-existent
I took this light for granted and this is how I pay
It warmed me and soothes me and kept me strong
Now I am tired and cold, unable to move a muscle
Always and forever has always been just a dream
My dream is shattered
My heart is shattered
My life comes apart
My tears hit the ground
All I held dear has now ripped itself from my grip
And I can't do anything but run out of tears
Running out of tears, I hoped the crying would stop
But I continue to cry as blood from my eyes caresses my face
I begged for mercy;
For the light not to leave
But it will not tolerate my incompetence anymore
I plead and I cry cuz I don't want to lose it
But it is too late
It's mind is made up
It is my time to suffer
It is not it's fault
This doing is my own
I feel like I am dying and being alive is too painful;
I do not fight it
I do not know how to cause myself harm
It is not part of me
I only know that my heart has been ripped out
And without it, I now suffer a slow, harsh, painful death
Now my light has faded away completely
And there is nothing I can do
All I can hope is that it finds the happiness I'll never have
And keep my tears a secret when it finds someone else to warm
The light I need is gone
It tells me to be strong
I want to but I can't
Still I promise I will try
So I guess this is goodbye...
Copyright (c) Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora, 2010
16 February 2010
Too "Me"...
By Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora
Saturday 23 January 2010 (0156h)
Tears
Too many tears
My eyesight is not clear
I feel like i'm not real
Breath
Too quickly gone
I'm losing breath fast
I fade out at last
Hope
Too often lost
My hope is not shattered
Someday I'll get it right
Relief
Too far off
But I feel relief
No more fighting
Gone
He is gone
I feel my heart crash
It burns
Life
Am I still living
One day my life will brighten
for now I exist
Love
I still love him
I wont ever stop
I fell too deep
Time
It strengthens
But it also destroys
Time to leave
Tears
Too many tears
Time to wipe those tears
No more tears please...
... So why can't I stop crying?
Blood
I hurt myself
Trying to stop crying
Accidents happen...
... And the blood just soothes the pain.
Goodbye
The saddest word
Sometimes it is necessary
How sad...
... But it's time to say Goodbye!
Copyright (c) Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora, 2010
23 January 2010
Tears...
By Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora
Thursday 14 January 2010 (2054h)
Is it love if we cannot put away our selfish pride
To forget about the happy times
To lose sight of what it truely means
To be in love?
Either way, we are in love...
Is it true if you just walk away
Or watch me go and not ask me to stay
To give up all hope and fight
But not make up?
Either way, our love is true...
Is it deep if most of what see
Is selfish physicality
And space is not a factor,
Is this deep?
Either way, this love is deep...
Is it me or is it you to blame?
If so then we should both be ashamed
For love has no place for blame
We all make mistakes.
Either way, we fight, we blame...
I do not know what else to say
I cannot be so swept away
I gotta live my life today
It's time...
It's time for me to let you go
If when i let human colours show
U get upset and i don't know
What makes u happy...
It's neither u or i to blame
For one last time i call out your name
But now things will never be the same
Pls say we'll stay friends...
This is not a perfect love
We do not live perfect lives
Time for me to wipe away
these tears im crying...
I love you!
... but Goodbye!
Copyright (c) Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora, 2010
14 January 2010
Who am I?
By Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora
Thursday 31 December 2009 (1836h)
Who am I now that society has phased me?
Who am I now that past actions are affecting me?
Who am I when who I thot I am exsists in my own world?
Who am I when I dont even control how the world will see me?
Who am I when all I wna do is die?
Who am I when the world misunderstands me?
Who am I on the worst day of my life?
Who am I today? Who am I to stay?
Who am I suposed to be when all I do is fall?
Who am I when who I am isnt me at all?
Who am I when all I am is me?
Who am I when who I am isnt who you see?
Who am I when who I love is pinned against me?
Misunderstands me and fights me untill I don't belive I'm me!
Who am I to be alive when he i love wont love me?
Who am I when he dont wna keep the promise that he made me?
Who am I when I mess up and make fucked up mistakes?
Who am I when Im just being human but the world thinks I'm a fake?
Who I am if I wna be me but the world thinks I should be someone else?
Who am I if I have to change to please everyone but myself?
Who am I, just who am I if I cannot be me?
Who am I if who I am don't want me to be free?
Who am I to be who I am when who I am is foolish?
Who am I, just who am I...?
Please... Somebody... Tell me!
Copyright (c) Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora, 2009
31 December 2009
Thoughts of a Young Found Teenager
By Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora
Thursday 8 December 2009 (0213h)
Have you ever really appreciated what you have?
Have you ever really cried with tears of sincere joy?
Have you ever really marvelled in the small things?
Have you ever really smiled when friend lends a hand?
This weekend YFC had a conference;
"Activate! Luke 15:18 - I will get up and go to my Father."
I realised so many things,
It was a weekend I'll never forget.
I learned from my friends and they learned from me,
We talked, we laughed, we enjoyed... Together.
I bonded with some people I met but never knew.
I made some decisions for my life to change,
I made a decision to follow God with all my heart... and not just half way.
I realised that I had lost my way... This weekend I was found again.
I spent time with people I hadn't seen in spans.
Some of them helped by giving me advice I didn't ask for;
Others simply by being there for me, just being there wholely.
We listened to a talk I that made me feel like it was God's will for me to be there.
It was called "Lost in the Darkness".
I managed to relate to everything that was said for the 1st time since I joined YFC.
I sang my heart out during the worships.
It had been 2years since my last worship.
I felt the spirit in me, I felt the connection with God again.
The next day my team won the volleyball tourniment.
We swam, we had a water balloon war, we enjoyed the day of fun.
The next talk was "Activate"
We wrote down the things keeping us away from God and put them in a box to be burned.
We wrote down what we would do to change them.
When it was time to be prayed over, I didn't want to go.
I went and when I was being prayed for, tears caressed my cheeks...
My emotions took hold and reminded me I'm here for God.
An old friend reminded me he was there if I needed a friend to talk to.
We spent lots of time together like we used to back in the day.
He reminded me how much life I still have ahead of me...
The next and last day of the conference was the third and final talk;
"Home is Heaven", after which 4 people were picked to share their experience at the conference.
Two had never been to a conference before. This was their first.
Two others had been to conferences before, I was one of them.
During my sharing I realised how YFC is like a home to me.
And the people I met in it are my Family.
I talked about how this year had separated me from God,
And how the conference and the people in it brought me back to him.
I talked about my friends who really helped me that weekend.
I began to cry with both joy and pure emotion of being found again.
When it was time to leave, none of us wanted to go, but had to...
I said goodbye to my friends and tears started to fall on all our faces;
Tears of joy because of our close family bonds,
And tears of sadness because of having to leave...
We all promised eachother we'd keep in touch,
And stay faithfull to God.
Now my life takes a complete 180 turn,
Hopefully, those I care for come with me and do not despise me for the decisions I'm about to make.
These are but mere words...
Because there are no words that can truely express;
the Thoughts of a Young Found Teenager!
Copyright (c) Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora, 2009
8 December 2009
