Uncertainty Unjust

Uncertainty Unjust
By Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora

Wednesday 9 July 2008 (0241h)

I think back, back into the past;

I remember those days of Joy and warmth and fun.

Deep in thought I lie on my bed feeling lost, light headed, forlorn...

I find myself staring into the blazing heat of the sun.

A depressing sight, a shallow mood;

Layers of thoughts and philosophies, all disgarded, all abandoned!

Dreams fly across the threads of my mind,

They seek the sureness I used to have in myself and all others.

Starting to struggle to find myself, I search for somebody else.

The one I call my trust and hope, the one I call my angel.

I seek him, I find him, but then...
I'm left alone once more.

Having been spoken to for a few minutes then abandoned, yet another time.

Knowing that for them, there are other issues to be attended to,

I try to reasure myself that all is fine, and indeed all is fine,

But then why doesn't my wondering mind want to listen?

Twisting itself into thoughts of depression & anger at what has yet to happen.

A struggle I am going through, with only myself to seek help from.

Everyone else is incapable of being there, of seeing what I have become.

A slump, a body without a soul, walking the earth with no purpose.

They try, they talk, but none can come and see for themselves.

Cruel fate has thrown the worst timing at me.

The rest of the world busies itself for upcoming importances.

The ones who care for me, all drawn away by other commitments

I understand, I do not sustain anger or frustration for those I speak of.

But the same cannot be said 4the twisted mess that has been left of my mind.

"Injustice!" I think to myself.
My mind does me nothing but injustice.

I cannot control my own thoughts any longer.
Insanity Breaks!
Not again!

What a time for an obstacle of life to be thrown into my path!

When I cannot be helped because nobody can see.
Nobody can know.

I think to myself of the past I enjoyed so much and I think of how it used to be.

How cruel the world must be, for we cannot relive our proudest moments!

Uncertainty breaks!
My mind runs loose!
It does not care; It does not feel!

Refusing to cry, refusing to break down, Anger Erupts and Energy bursts!

The wood cries as my nuckles dig into the hard wordrobe doors,

The walls feel the thump as my cranium meets the hard cement,

The earth is then silenced when the sound of my body hitting the cold hard floor is heared like a pindrop in the thickness of the heavy atmosphere.

I lose sight of what matters and slump into a state I don't want to be in.

I foolishly ask myself if I am really loved;
If anybody cares!

I answer myself "Of-course they care!", but the questions do not disappear!

Uncertainty fills my mind!

Discouragement pulls me back!

Feeling Thrown aside; Abandoned and Forlorn define me!

These unwanted thoughts of injustice!

These un-needed feelings of depression!

They will not leave me alone!

I want them to leave me alone!

But alas, they will not budge, they will not be shuved aside!

And why, I ask, is it me that they taunt?
Why is it me they choose to crush!?

I know in myself, that I really am loved, but my mind - it doesn't care!

Making me uncertain and pushing my confidence aside.

Truth, crushed!

Kindness, erased!

Love, unthought of!

Tears, pushed into view!

Hatred, released!

Uncertainty, Unjust!!!

Copyright (c) Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora, 2008 

9 July 2009