Okay I get it.
It was fast.
You don't like it.
I know exactly where you're coming from with this.
and i understand you fully.
but can i help it?
can ANYONE really help it???
do you wanna tell me y u hating on me?
do u wanna tell me y u hating on him?
should i have told frizz the truth?
so she cud criticize me?
so she cud tell you about it, shtick, so you cud criticize me too?
are u 2 the only 2 who know?
no. you're not. so why is it you're the only 2 that don't like it?
"Supasize" seems fine wit it.
"Soundeffect" accepts it all with a smile on her face.
and she was there with us too. at Riverwalk. smiling and laughing with us.
but would you do the same thing?
did you read any of the other notes or blogs describing how i feel?
are u even gonna read this 1?
i know you're only saying these things because u care.
and u don't wanna see me get hurt again.
but don't u think I'm smart enough, strong enough to handle it?
do u think tat i wont learn from my past experiences?
just live life then not see anything?
don't u think i know wot I'm doing? tat I've taken caution to all this so i don't hurt myself? so i don't hurt him?
do u think I'm just walking past all this without thinking?
yes! I've thought about it.
and you'd know maybe if u read the ish i right.
did you bother to ask any1 else about the matter?
did u bother to ask ME about any info before treating me like i broke the law???
are u just assuming things or do you even know how long iv known him?
Heck! even one of my closest friends, sum1 who really did save my life, really dislikes him.
and yet he says he's happy if i am.
w8! does that matter to you?
did u bother to ask me how it affected me at all?
don't u want me to live a normal life without fear of feeling again?
or did u once again just make more assumptions and think I'd do something without knowing what I'm doing or knowing who I'm getting into things wit 1st?
are you just jumping to conclusions the minute u hear or see something that u don't like?
i don't get it anymore...
i understand that u care. and u don't want me gettign hurt again.
but why are you treating me as if i were just about to jump off a cliff?
why must you make your own silly conclusions without talking to me first?
why am i being punished for feeling good about myself again?
why can't you ask me about it without making it seem as big as some court case?
Why do you hate that I love again?
Answer me this.
With valid reasoning and information!
With confidence and calmness.
Without crowding around me and shouting at me without having talked to me 1st.
With real signs of compassion and care as my friends.
Instead of shock and disbelief as my peers.
Please. Do me this one favour.
and i will ask no more questions.
Just think about it 1st... before you do the one thing you're trying to prevent... and hurt me.
Think about what you're going to say. and if wot u said to me and how you said it was right.
Tell me if you don't like it but tell me because you care.
not JUST cuz u don't want me to.
I'm Sorry.
But I do!
The uLTimate Challenge!
Days go by and nights run past
And as they do, my head is spinning.
Thoughts run quick and rapidly through my mind.
Things seem so confusing, yet so great at the same time!
What is happening to me?
I didn't mean to fall...
I liked you, I really did. A Crush. But i thought that would be it.
I don't know how you pulled me in deeper than i wanted to go;
With your charm, and your humour, and how sweet you are...
And the way we talk to each other... All the time.
And yet... I find it hard to object.
Because I've grown to discover that I like you a lot more than i thought I ever would...
But I don't know what to think!
It feels so nice to see and live in the care you show for me...
But I'm Scared!
Scared that if I fall too hard again, and get too attached...
Then you'll break my heart...
Just like he did.
And once was enough for me...
Once was too much.
What do I do?
What do I do when my world is being torn apart,
When my world's coming to an end,
Simply because my heart's too scared to live again,
To catch that warm inviting fire of closeness to another,
Another as sweet and charming as yourself...
For Fear of being broken once more.
Time moves forward,
And as it does, I go with it.
With you pulling me along every step of the way.
What should I think when the forces of life seem to be crushing down upon me?
I'm falling again.
Falling Hard! And I didn't mean to.
But I Like It... And at the same time, I'm Scared of it!
Because the pieces left of what used to be my heart,
Refuse to feel the piercing pain of being broken once again.
And I then ask for help,
Help from an old crush... A Close Friend.
He wants me to go with it,
He says its a good thing...
(Even though he doesn't like you all that much)
He wants me to Live!
But he too fears that I will break once more...
That my heart will break again, if I give it away to you.
He changes direction, sharp and fast,
And says that I should keep myself at enough distance...
As to not fall so hard... Like I did before.
Like I did when I gave my heart and soul to he who broke my heart for the first time in my life.
He I sacrificed so much for, and got heartbreak in return.
He doesn't want that to happen to me again...
Will you be the one to break it a second time?
Seeing as you're the second person in my life I really fall for...?
Will I fall so hard again that I can no longer get up?
Will I be the one to ruin myself in search of a new beginning?
Or will you let me keep at a good enough distance where I will not have to cry when you can't stay?
Or will you stay?
It doesn't matter anymore, because I want to live my life without fear!
So whatever the consequence, I'll take the risk!
Cuz for all I know, You're worth it!
Just as he was worth it... Giving me the experience of a lifetime...
You could be worth it all,
But the future is unknown, and hard to predict.
Yes, I'm scared of being broken once more!
But I Do Not want to simply exist... Without living my life!
So for now, I wont think about it!
For now, I go with where the winds of life take me!
And if its leading me to you, that's just where I'll go!
Cuz life's not worth living if I'm trapped behind my own fears,
Simply existing... but not loving... not Living...
I've learned the hard way that there is no such thing as Forever.
But in this moment in time, my forever is Right Now!!!
So I'll take what I'm given and run every risk...
And endure the consequences in the end.
But for now, I live with no thought of what might happen.
And I turn my back on the past,
Close my eyes to the future...
And just Live... Live in the moment!
Live for now... The Present!!!
And see what surprises this thing we call life shall throw my way!
Yours Truly,
Baby May!
Much Luv!!!
XoXoXoXoXoX
You ever notice how the people you love tend to be difficult a lot of the time...
And make you upset a lot too,
And make it hard for you to see the good, great and just plain Amazing things about them.
But then... One day they're gone
And all you have left are the memories.
And you see the good things in a new light,
And you wish that you'd pointed them out
A little more often along the way.
Sometimes its hard to believe that you didn't realise what you had until you've lost it.
And you feel so bad for not noticing every great thing about them
And for not telling them more often how much you really appreciate them.
Its hard to look back at someone you love just as their looking away
And know that they no longer love you back.
Whether its letting go of a strong family bond with your sibling or favourite cousin,
Or right after a break-up...
Or losing a close friend... or your best friend.
And then you look back at everything they've done for you and the impact they've had on your life,
And you notice how big a mistake you made by either pushing them away, breaking their heart, making them think you don't care, or letting them go...
Even just the small things they've done for you seem to matter a whole lot more...
They make you realize how much they really meant to you...
And then you start to regret not a appreciating them more.
Whether it was as simple as defying their family just to see you on a special day,
Or as complicated as never leaving your side, always being there for you through the roughness you go through in your life, and feeling your pain in times of trouble... even when you don't want them to.
Sometimes you forget about everything you and your friend, your sister, brother, cousin, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife or parent have done for each other.
And sometimes you don't really realise just how much they've done for you, until finally their gone...
Like; Praying for a friend in need,
Throwing your brother a party,
Running away from home for a night to show someone how much they mean to you,
Protecting your sister when someone breaks her arm... or her heart,
Or simply being there to help a troubled loved one smile.
And you look back...
And regret not seeing how much somebody sacrificed for you...
Until you've left them in the dust and broke them in half.
Then when you finally come back to your senses, and realise how you wish you'd never done that,
You then begin to realise that what is done is done,
So yo forget about it... And move on.
But as you begin moving on, you realise how much the person you left behind really meant to you.
And realise they they indeed meant a lot more to you than you ever thought they would.
But you then see how you've realised this oh too late.
And now both of you have moved on and something great is now lost... Forever.
Strong Family Bonds.
A Truly Amazing Love.
A Great Friendship.
All lost to the actions of we human beings.
Nelly Furtado:
Flames to Dust,
Lovers to Friends.
Why do all Good things come to an End?
Yes. Why do all good things come to an end?
Maybe to make life challenging, in order to strengthen us for the events that lie ahead.
Maybe to make room for something more significant, greater, more amazing...
Or maybe simply because we didn't take very good care of it...
Its tough.
Losing strong friendships.
Breaking a bond between family.
Letting go of someone you love.
Saying goodbye to your best friend.
I've been through it all.
but going through it all has really strengthened me... made me wiser.
The experiences I've had have pushed me to become a better person,
To learn and know how to handle these heart wrenching experiences, and handle them well.
And they've pushed me to show my true colours, who I really am, a lot more often than I ever thought I would. And its a good thing...
Because... as other people got to know me more,
I've made new friendships, stronger bonds with the people around me,
And most importantly, I have learned a lot more about myself.
I've been forced o be more emotionally prepared than some people alot older than myself...
But hey! I'm not complaining!
Though I've been through so much,
Though I've felt pain (both physically and emotionaly) far beyond the comprehension of those around me,
Though I've been left with an abundance of deep emotional scars,
I've learned from them and improved myself accordingly,
And i know that because of it, my future has become a lot brighter.
And I've become someone I never even dreamed I'd be.
I used to look at the mirror and scowl at the girl that stared back.
I hated her.
She disappointed me way too often.
Then as i kept growing, both inside and out, i began to look at her... And smile.
And she smiles back.
I've grown to love her.
I'm proud of her.
And my confidence has soared to a new high!
And I'm no longer afraid to speak up and say...
This is Me!!!
(",)
XoXoXoXoX
Copyright (c) Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora, 2008
17 September 2008
